|Sus huecos, sus huecos
||[Jan. 7th, 2011|12:06 am]
According to Pat, mom thinks that I find myself too ugly to attract a man, which is why I "think" I'm a lesbian. I guess dating a girl for 5 years, and being in love with another girl for three years and dating her for one of those years makes me..."confused." He tried to defend me, which somehow lead to him telling her about my sexcapades with Nick...which I didn't fully enjoy. Doing sexual things with Nick is more of a powertrip for me, but I hesitate with him because...I just don't want to do things to him as much. It's fun, but...not thrilling, like whenever I get to do things with a girl. Sitting on gypsygirl's lap at D*C made my heart pound, but doing things with him is...just a thing. I prefer when we sit around, get high and talk about history and anthropology, his two majors. I don't get to do that too often with people. But it's nice to be held. I keep trying to meet girls, but it only extends to drunken makeouts at parties, occasionally with horrifically awkward text message conversations later. As much as I'd like to have a girl I can talk to AND kiss, I...really do not want to date anyone for a while. |
But in any case, it fucking kills me that she STILL doesn't fucking believe me. When I told her I was bi (back when I WAS more confused, lel) when I was 13, she didn't believe me. I told her again when I was 16, and she didn't say anything. So then I told her, hey, I've been dating this girl since forever...and she acknowledged it. I was so, so happy. When it all went to shit, she supported me. When my cousin Katie asked me at Thanksgiving when I was going to get over "this lesbian thing" I just...fucking walked away. I was already drunk (because we're Cambiases, and we were ALL drunk) and have a bad habit of shutting down when someone says someone hurtful. I just sort of get annoyed and walk away. Later...always later, what they said replays itself over and over again in my mind and the rage just bubbles and bubbles until I burst into flames. I've never told her, or anyone on the American side of my family, about my sexuality or dating habits, so I'm not sure where she got this information...perchaps Facebook. But I guess she magically knows enough about my sex life and heart to know what MY sexual orientation really is. Actually, anticipation of that reaction is WHY I didn't tell them, but I guess they decided for me anyway.
One day, I want to live somewhere where I can walk or ride a bus everywhere so I never have to drive or sit in traffic or worry about insurance or be terrified of cops or spend money on gas or anything again.