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Ana C

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(no subject) [Aug. 26th, 2011|01:58 pm]
Ana C
Don't use LJ much anymore--less time, also obsessed with Tumblr now.

I began my teaching practicum and it is going spectacularly. I was apprehensive about working with below on-level students, but so far it's been incredibly rewarding. I can't discuss much about it online, anyway. I finally have a concrete sense of direction, and feel happier than I have in years.

So, yeah, don't really use LJ anymore.
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(no subject) [Apr. 28th, 2011|08:55 pm]
Ana C
semester almost over

ready to start teaching practicum in the fall...also terrified

4 pages left of my seminar paper to do and cannot. work up. the energy

one day girls, not guys, will hit on me, and I can stop wearing rainbows on everything i own

warum muss ich denken immer? hilf mir
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(no subject) [Mar. 17th, 2011|10:27 pm]
Ana C
[Current Mood |happyhappy]

Went home for a few days.
On the last day, finally got to hang out with Nicole and Ashe--we got lost for about 2 hours; sitting around forever in traffic trying to pick up Ashe from school, then trying to find Buford farmer's market...at least it gave us stories (we almost died when a trashcan fell out on the road and we had to swerve to miss it!) and time to talk. I HAVE THE BEST FRIENDS EVER

Had an awesome, impromptu time with Nick. Decided last minute to go hang out with him last night; we stayed at his older brother's house in Atlanta while we dogsat. We spent the whole night/next day drinking, smoking, watching documentaries, fucking, and talking about history. Last night we ordered pizza and stayed in, hanging out, talking. And today we randomly decided to go to Kennesaw mountain to go hiking for a few hours. It was nice--I'd missed being around nature. It was beautiful--I love all the trees casting their long shadows on the rocky floor, jumping from rock to rock and climbing up and up the trail. It was very steep and difficult and fun; makes me want to go bouldering or whatever. I missed getting a work out--we were both sweating by the time we got to the top of the mountain and down the other side. And of course got lost...but it gave us time to talk and spend time together. Such is life.

The ride home, though shorter from Atlanta, was terrifying--I spent the whole time uncomfortably tense; it was hard to breathe and I kept having to remind myself to relax my muscles. Some asshole nearly hit me on the way TO Nick's brother's house, so now I'm all tensed up and parnanoid again. I could feel my fucking heart pounding the whole time...so sick of this shit. I spent the whole time SHAKING, reminding myself to breathe deeply and relax. So goddamn sick of this anxiety.

But the flowers I planted in my recycled bottle pots are sprouting--I planted something and it's staying alive?? whoaaa
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(no subject) [Mar. 14th, 2011|11:34 pm]
Ana C
Daniela: *Jokingly* Here's a marble for you to put up your nose!
Fiorella: But I TRIED THAT already.

I have the best cousins ever. I love being the fun cousin who takes them out to spoil them with movies and ice cream and trips.

Also, looking back through old community entries, I think my ex made a fake account to (indirectly) tell me she hopes I die of cancer like my dad...the way the person phrased it, it was really specific to how my dad died.
And...it actually made me laugh a lot. She breaks up with me dramatically, then creeps on my friend's posts that I'm tagged in, on my LJ, and in that community? That's pretty hilariously pathetic, especially considering how she was so adamant about never speaking to me again. LOLLLL. It actually made me feel great...just a reminder of how much better off I am. No more cowards for me, now that I know how to identify them.

Pat and I are very close, lately, and I'm not sure when or how it happened, but it did. He's far more mature now, I think, that life kicked him in the balls a bit. We were discussing how our parents sort of screwed up in teaching us to be logical and critical, to always question authority and to do research...and then also expecting us to be religious. In any case, they succeeded in getting us to live a socialist life: pat envisions himself being some kind of community organizer after school, getting a job to help him help others. And I'll be a teacher, obvs, which is, I believe, automatically a community helper. I'm also considering getting licensed to do ESOL for children and/or adults, to help mis compadres. This summer, since I'll be stuck in Athens all fucking summer anyway, I want to either join or initiate some kind of summer program. Also, I'll only be taking one course, so that's a lot of time to work out and write. I am so damn ready.
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(no subject) [Mar. 7th, 2011|09:59 pm]
Ana C
There's not enough time in a fucking day

Been swimming laps with Lauren and/or Amberlie and it feels amazing
Planning for the counter-protest tomorrow
Working on shit for assignments, trying to get them done before spring break
Working on cleaning the apartment
Working on my cooking/baking/writing

Just got back from swimming laps and showered. I was amazed I could actually keep up with Amberlie. But I even beat Lauren a few times...well dang. I can tell I'm getting faster and stronger just from my everyday movements. I'm like a phoenix rising out of Arizona

Time now for posterssss
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Good, good day [Feb. 26th, 2011|10:07 pm]
Ana C
[Current Mood |tiredtired]

Woke up early to breakfast with Amberlie and Megan at Burger king

Then I drove to Atlanta (I can't believe I actually did it--the breathing exercises do work when there were cops around) to the reproductive rights protest. I was wandering around lost on 10th street, thinking, shit, I'm going to miss it. Then I hear yelling, and lo and behold--a big crowd of people coming down the street!

We walked 3 miles around Atlanta, chanting and sign-waving. We got a lot of confused, dirty looks...but a lot of people honking and cheering in support. (Mostly women--go figure.)I wish we had focused less on the abortion issue (though it IS extremely important) because Planned Parenthood provides so many services outside of abortion I doubt most people even knew about. And people even mentioning the word abortion shuts people off--I wish it weren't that way, but it is. I was afraid it'd be hard to not get enraged at the few people who yelled at us, but being surrounded by very vocal supportive people made all the difference. I smiled and waved at everyone as I chanted. We took the Marta and I helped buy tickets for some people who didn't have enough money--I'm being successfully social.

Then I went home, bought extra stuff for Japan Club curry night, and went to Hannah's apartment where the meeting was. It was nice--everyone got along. I think, because I had chopping and peeling to do, I was less spastic. We watched a great movie University of Laughs and everyone was slashing them in the end. I left as soon as it was over, though, because I might be going to a bonfire with Amberlie now.

It feels good to be able to go out and do things, to WANT to do things instead of just giving up or hiding or letting my fear of driving get in the way. I'm trying to be a person (today = success)
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Ameobas [Feb. 21st, 2011|09:45 pm]
Ana C
Joined the Sexual Health Helpers at UGA and a women's organization. I'm pulling myself out of the psychopit and doing all the things I was too depressed to do while bogged down by my ex and my general illness. I've been sane the past few days and it's hard to explain how sometimes I'll feel terrible, constantly tired, constantly attacked and nervous, feeling like I'm not a real person but some malformed approximation, fundamentally different and unreachable. I want to, to stretch a personal metaphor, place buoys on the ocean of Lunatic I keep sinking into and drowning in. I got my little paddleboat and I'm keeping my head above the water.

I'm even driving again going into cold sweat and shaking. I still get nervous (I screamed "IS IT ME!?!?!?" when a copcar in front of us started flashing his lights at someone) but at least the thought of driving doesn't completely terrify me.
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It's starting [Feb. 13th, 2011|09:41 pm]
Ana C
I got into the School of Education at UGA.

I have a direction.
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Amnesiac [Feb. 9th, 2011|10:52 pm]
Ana C
[Current Music |Jay Z - Can I Get A...]

My life is so very precarious right now. I'm dangling, waiting to see if things have fallen into place, and remaining dumb and helpless in ignorance, just waiting, is starting to make me nauseous. I refuse to think about it. Things are sloughing off my life right now, and I'm wondering what'll be left of me when most of the people and settings I've known for years are actively fucking off or fading away. I still have the people that count. And Amberlie, who's been my life-wingman, or bodyguard, or sugardaddy or whatever, for the past few months. But maybe it's all too much of a nest to hide in when the future seems so dizzyingly white and unmapped. I'm cannibalizing my general self now, crushing and forgetting all the stupid black bile coating the inside of my skull--I need to recover the insane mantras and guidelines that veered off into disorders when I was younger, before I got de-boned and was left with only exposed spinal cord and teeth, gelatinous and sensitive like the dark, wet little stinking insides of dead dogs.

I suppose fear's an apt state to be in now that I'm nearing graduation, and that liver-burning, pants-shitting chemical terror is to be expected at this horrible stage of my life I am currently failing at. I always feel as though I'm failing in the moment, though in retrospect, it's not always the case. I don't know what's happened lately, but I've had a huge creative resurgence lately. I've been drawing again, and more importantly, writing again--nothing concrete, but I've had a million ideas lately, with characters and scenarios popping tantalizingly half-formed into my brain for creative pruning, just like in the days of old. I have storylines set up. Now I just have to...physically record.

It's been so, so cold, and my skin's starting to forget sunlight.
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Sus huecos, sus huecos [Jan. 7th, 2011|12:06 am]
Ana C
According to Pat, mom thinks that I find myself too ugly to attract a man, which is why I "think" I'm a lesbian. I guess dating a girl for 5 years, and being in love with another girl for three years and dating her for one of those years makes me..."confused." He tried to defend me, which somehow lead to him telling her about my sexcapades with Nick...which I didn't fully enjoy. Doing sexual things with Nick is more of a powertrip for me, but I hesitate with him because...I just don't want to do things to him as much. It's fun, but...not thrilling, like whenever I get to do things with a girl. Sitting on gypsygirl's lap at D*C made my heart pound, but doing things with him is...just a thing. I prefer when we sit around, get high and talk about history and anthropology, his two majors. I don't get to do that too often with people. But it's nice to be held. I keep trying to meet girls, but it only extends to drunken makeouts at parties, occasionally with horrifically awkward text message conversations later. As much as I'd like to have a girl I can talk to AND kiss, I...really do not want to date anyone for a while.

But in any case, it fucking kills me that she STILL doesn't fucking believe me. When I told her I was bi (back when I WAS more confused, lel) when I was 13, she didn't believe me. I told her again when I was 16, and she didn't say anything. So then I told her, hey, I've been dating this girl since forever...and she acknowledged it. I was so, so happy. When it all went to shit, she supported me. When my cousin Katie asked me at Thanksgiving when I was going to get over "this lesbian thing" I just...fucking walked away. I was already drunk (because we're Cambiases, and we were ALL drunk) and have a bad habit of shutting down when someone says someone hurtful. I just sort of get annoyed and walk away. Later...always later, what they said replays itself over and over again in my mind and the rage just bubbles and bubbles until I burst into flames. I've never told her, or anyone on the American side of my family, about my sexuality or dating habits, so I'm not sure where she got this information...perchaps Facebook. But I guess she magically knows enough about my sex life and heart to know what MY sexual orientation really is. Actually, anticipation of that reaction is WHY I didn't tell them, but I guess they decided for me anyway.

One day, I want to live somewhere where I can walk or ride a bus everywhere so I never have to drive or sit in traffic or worry about insurance or be terrified of cops or spend money on gas or anything again.
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