| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2009|05:47 pm] |
Occasionally I realize the true strength of my gayness, when in my drunken haze I pine for girls--the beautiful, amazing girls in my life whose curves and smiles and voices and down-turned eyelashes affect me, leave me thinking of them at night--and realize that no guy in my entire life has ever stayed like that in my memory. When a guy rejects me, it hurts--because my ego has been besmirched, because magazines and sitcoms have taught me that a man's approval proves my beauty. But when a girl rejects me--KS, four or five years ago, when she was afraid to go against her homophobic parent's wishes--I cried. I cried like a little bitch. I cried for a guy once, because his implied rejection made me feel ugly. I cried for KS' rejection because I couldn't be with her.
Only rarely does a guy inspire the same stomach twisting butterflies a girl does. A guy makes me feel predatory, as in "I bet I can make him like me." With a girl, it's "Oh god, pretty, pretty, pretty, so pretty--OH GOD SHE SMILED AT ME AAAAAAAH." When a guy hits on me, it's a relief--oh good, I am pretty after all. But please leave me alone now. I avoid the guys that hit on me. If a girl shows interest in me, I...lose my mind. KS gets my heart pounding the way no guy ever has.
It's strange to realize, in spite of how often I criticize TV shows, movies, et cetera for having characters who have no idea that they're gay. I, since I was little, wanted to be The Boy--the one who rescued the princess. In my pubescence, I thought about it, and decided I would have no problem being with a girl. And then--first boyfriend. I liked his company, and liked making out with him--but everything else physical, hand-holding, snuggling, et cetera--annoyed me. Then J, and my mad, insane, all-encompassing love for her. Then KS, and...there's too much there to write about, the drunker I get. And KS keeps telling me that I'm not bisexual, that I'm gay with a few exceptions. Maybe she's right. Who knows. Who cares. All I know is that girls leave me spinning, whereas boys don't even factor into my mind. Seeing boys naked grosses me out. The only people who affect my heart are girls. Boys affect my ego, and that's about it.
I wonder who my fetishistic misandry factors into this. Fictional guys I'm all for--it's when I see a real guy that I lose all interest. Real girls are gorgeous, whereas the girls in porn annoy and disgust me. Getting drunker now. Time to stop. and I wonder if my family would be in the state it's in if my dad had lived--would Pat be smoking pot? Would he and mom be fighting constantly? I'm at a point in my life when I need him more than ever, ever, ever so far, and he's not around. I've wept for him once--the night he died, after I put my mom to bed, and each time after that, I've wept for my mother, who lost her true love, her partner, her lover, her confidant, her husband. My brother who was so, so young when he died, whose life could have turned out differently, who is a brilliant, basically good kid who does stupid, stupid, selfish things--but what about me? I think I've supressed it--or at least, supressed the guilt of not feeling anything, of being used to not having him around--but I need him. My male teachers remind me of him, and I wonder if I attacht myself to them because of that. He would know, he would support me when an entire class of 200 people is against me when I am stating facts, when I am confused about politics, about history, when I need someone to telll me I'm doing the right thing, when a girl has broken my heart, when I get a good grade and I walk in circles lookking for someone to be proud of me, when I feel scared and hate america so much I want to leave, I need to talk to him, to remind me to be objective, that I'm doing the right hting, that I'm not a worthless piece of shit. Is it my egomania or my humanity that misses him? Why am I spending YET ANOTHER night alone, drinking and crying? Why am I a cliche? Why do I associate this spoiled, self-absorbed feeling with the whiteness, the european side of my genetic makeup with whiteness? Am I racist?
fuck everything I'mmw watching SUpernnany |
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